A somewhat gay review of Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars

My first thought upon playing auntie pixelante's latest creation--a twitchy, throwback of a game called Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars--was that it could confidently and comfortably sit alongside such classic quartermunchers as Robotron and Sinistar.

Of course, pixelante was inspired by Midway's Wizard of Wor while creating Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars--she even goes so far as to call the latter a "reinvention" of the former in a recent blog post--so it's likely she expected or at least hoped for such a reaction.

Regardless, her creation is a more-than-reasonable reproduction of those stress-filled games so many of us relished as kids. Calling Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars a simple facsimile of its predecessors, though, does both it and pixelante a disservice.

Sure, Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars looks and sounds a lot like the aforementioned games that inspired it--what with its sparse backdrops and pixelated baddies (who the titular protagonist taunts with appropriately lo-fi barbs like "I'm not finished yet!" and "Kneel before your queen!")--but it blazes a few trails, too.

Case in point: Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars, like many of today's Flash-based games, is a one-handed affair. The titular Spider-Queen's "bondage ray" is always on, so all gamers have to do is aim said ray at one of her highness' escaped slaves in order to wrap them up and rope them in.

If you think that might sap the game of the tension that's typical of the genre, think again. Even without a shoot button there's plenty to stress out about while playing Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars--especially when the attackable-only-from-certain-angles Armors, fiery Alchemists and slippery Assassins (all of whom are topless, by the way) start to fill the screen.

Thankfully, the tension never ratchets up so high that the game becomes unenjoyable or unplayable. Oh, you'll die--a lot, especially on the later boards--but if you're anything like me you'll have a blast right up until your last breath.  

Play: Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars

If M.C. Escher had created Q*bert ...

... the classic quartermuncher--of which I've never been much of a fan--probably would have looked something like this:

To see more of artist bartotainment's creations, check out his Flickr photostream.

Mad Panic Coaster's awesome manual

OK, so today is "Mad Panic Coaster Day"--or at least it seems to be on this here blog. Don't worry, things will return to normal (i.e., I'll write about something other than this wackadoodle import) tomorrow.

Anyway, in my "Great Gaymathon" review of Hakohodo's roller coaster simulator (read it here) I mentioned that it sports a pretty awesome piece of cover art. Well, that awesome art continues throughout the game's manual, so I thought I'd share some scans of it here.

Here are the manual's front and back covers (click to engorge, er, enlarge):



And here are its first four inside pages, the third and fourth of which seem to tell the game's "story":





Check out the rest of Mad Panic Coaster's manual (if you so desire) after the jump.

Edith's and Rosemary's frightful memories of Mad Panic Coaster

I included a link to this hilarious video review of Mad Panic Coaster in the "Great Gaymathon" post I just published, but I like it (the video review, not my written one) so much that I had to give it a post of its own.



My favorite line: "The wood cutter gave us this game because we were good girls." (OK, so the final exchange between Edith and Rosemary makes me chuckle, too.)

The Great Gaymathon Review #19: Mad Panic Coaster (PlayStation)

Game: Mad Panic Coaster

Genre: Roller Coaster Simulator

Developer: Hakuhodo

Publisher: Hakuhodo

System: PlayStation

Release date: 1997

There are just two reasons to pick up a copy of Hakuhodo's Mad Panic Coaster, in my oh-so-humble opinion: 1) it sports a pretty awesome piece of cover art (see above) and 2) it features some appealingly strange--or maybe I should say strangely appealing--gameplay. Sadly, the latter is pretty flawed despite its rather compelling premise--which throws players into the front seat of an out-of-control roller-coaster car and then tasks them with hanging on for dear life until the end of the level, er, ride. So, how is the gameplay flawed? Well, it's too difficult (i.e., fast) by half, for starters. Also, it's a bit too sloppy, control-wise, to be much fun. Case in point: The only thing you have to do to survive each of the game's 12 stages is push left or right on the control pad at the correct time, but it's often hard to figure out what the correct time is. Should you push left a second or maybe two before an upcoming turn, for instance, or should you do it right as you're rounding the turn? It's never made clear, and as a result you spend a lot of time guessing--and dying--while attempting to master the appropriately titled Mad Panic Coaster. That's too bad, because the game is easy on the eyes (as far as I can tell--everything races by at the speed of light) and ears and, like I said earlier, its survive-an-out-of-control-roller-coaster-ride premise is a pretty enticing one.

See also: Previous 'Great Gaymathon' posts