Past-Due Review: Chip Chan Kick! (PC-FX)

I've always loved games like Bubble Bobble, Rainbow Islands and Parasol Stars. Sure, they look awfully cute and cuddly, but play any one of them for a few minutes and you quickly come to understand they're hardly "kiddie" games.

Chip Chan Kick, released by NEC for the PC-FX in 1996, follows in the formidable footsteps of those classic games, with its cartoonish cadre of characters who put up a fight that belies their pastel-colored exteriors.

Like the aforementioned games, Chip Chan Kick features big-eyed, cute-as-buttons protagonists who make their way through a series of single-screened levels on their way to fighting tough-as-nails bosses. Each level features a host of baddies (though considering how cute they are, "baddie" hardly seems to be the best word to describe them) that have to be dispensed with before you can move on to the next.

Deciding how to clear each level is pretty easy thanks to the limited number of options given to players. You move your character with the d-pad and use one of the controller's action buttons to jump while the other button allows you to throw your little blob friend in the direction of your enemies. If the blob makes contact with an enemy, he/she/it keels over, apparently knocked unconscious. They're finished off with a well placed kick (accomplished using the same button that allowed you to throw the little blob thing).

Pretty much every enemy--from animated soda machines to dolphins to monkeys to storm clouds (it all depends on what stage you're on at the moment)--is defeated in this manner. The only exceptions are the bosses, which appear at the end of every ten levels and have to be clobbered many a time before they go down in flames. Although they're a sight to behold, they're also a pain in the butt. Expect to go through more than a few lives taking them out, as well as a few of your precious continues (if you're anything like me).

Gamers spoiled by the likes of the Xbox 360 and PS3 may have a hard time appreciating Chip Chan Kick's simple pleasures. Even when compared to other 2D games, NEC's Bubble Bobble clone can pale in comparison (though I personally love the game's aesthetic and think it compares favorably to a Neo-Geo release). That's not what Chip Chan Kick is about, though--instead, it's about sitting down to a bit of simplistic, old school fun in the comfort of your own home (as opposed to the arcade, where this type of game used to reign supreme).

By the way, you don't have to search the globe for a used PC-FX system to enjoy this game. Download the Magic-Engine FX emulator (available here) and then look for a cheap copy of the game on line (or an ISO of the game, if that's your thing). If you likewise consider yourself a fan Bubble Bobble or Rainbow Islands, you'll be very happy you did.

Past-Due Review: Photograph Boy (PC Engine)

If Hudson really wants to impress with their Virtual Console releases, they should localize this quirky, long-lost gem for English-speaking audiences.

Although NEC's PC Engine was home to many oddly endearing games during its wildly successful run (it gave Nintendo's Famicom a run for its money back in the day--a feat it unfortunately couldn't replicate in the U.S. with the TurboGrafx-16), few if any were wackier than Photograph Boy (also known as Gekisha Boy).

Players control a green-around-the-gills photographer who hits the streets looking for the perfect shots to take back to his gruff-looking newspaper editor. If that sounds like a piece of cake, wait until you give it a go.

As the lushly detailed environments scroll by, photographic opportunities--such as hovering UFOs, burning buildings, even flashers in trench coats--pop into view, ready for their close-up.

Using up a few rolls of film would be a snap (pun intended) if it weren't for all the dangers surrounding our intrepid photographer--balls, skateboards and other random projectiles pose a constant threat. Get hit and you lose valuable film--an important distinction because the more well-taken photos you turn in, the more points you receive from your boss and the more likely you are to advance to the next level.

Controls in Photograph Boy are about as tight as they can be--movement of your character and aiming your camera is handled with the d-pad, while the action buttons control your camera's shutter and your ability to jump. Unfortunately, the well-tuned controls don't make the game a walk in the park--it's more like a walk down a darkened alley in the bad part of town. Expect to repeat each level many times before you succeed--especially as the game progresses.

Considering the sights you'll see along the way, you'll likely enjoy every hair-pulling minute of it. At least I did.

Past-Due Review: Trauma Center: Second Opinion (Wii)

Most Nintendo fanboys who stood in line to grab a Wii on launch day probably also got their dirty mitts on a copy of The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. Not me.

While everyone in front of me in line ran froth-mouthed for the pile of Zeldas, I quietly made a bee-line for the lonely stack of Trauma Centers.

Why did I bypass Zelda in favor of Atlus’ 2006 update of the old board game, Operation? Well, because I have fond memories of playing that Milton Bradley classic—even though I completely sucked at it.

I suck at Trauma Center, too, but at least there’s plenty here to distract and entertain me while I work on my suckiness. For starters, there’s an actual story to follow—you’re an up-and-coming surgeon attempting to heal the world one patient at a time (yadda yadda yadda). You get the picture, right?

Where things really pick up is when you walk through the doors of the OR. With your Wii-mote in tow, you’re called on to juggle insistent nurses, pounding sound effects and music (some of which comes through the controller) and graphic displays of all your wrongdoings.

Those of you still breast-feeding need not reach for your binky. Although the game’s 3-D visuals are slick and nicely detailed, they fit squarely within the big N’s “fit for the whole family” mantra.

You shouldn’t be picking up Trauma Center for realistic visuals anyway. Truly, the coolest about this launch offering is the way it controls. Although it uses both the Wii-mote and the nunchuck attachment, it takes but a minute to grasp which accessory controls what actions (cheat sheet: the Wii-mote does the dirty work of cutting and sewing and everything in between and you use the nunchuck to choose your tools—which include everything from antibiotic gel and a needle and thread to forceps and a defibrillator).

Those last two tools are the main reasons Trauma Center is so darn fun. To use the forceps you point at the screen and virtually “pinch” them together by pressing the Wii-mote’s A and B buttons in unison. To use the defibrillator, you push the Wii-mote and nunchuck toward the screen to literally shock the person on the screen.

Does anything about Trauma Center stick out like the splintered bones of a compound fracture? Not really, though there are a few niggling details that could have been addressed before the game was released. One is the lack of spoken dialogue. There's quite a bit of text to read through while you're operating, and it would have been nice if audio would have replaced some of it (and it would have ramped up the level of tension as well). The other: would have been nice to see some 16:9 support for those of us with widescreen TVs. Oh well.

So, you’re one of those aforementioned Nintendo fanboys—the ones who dressed up like Link on launch day and picked up every game available. Should you have added Trauma Center to your stash? Yes, I’d say that’s the right diagnosis. It isn’t as deep as Zelda, but there’s plenty here to impress and entertain for quite some time.

As for noobs, well, you can add this to your “Wish Lists,” too. This is one of the best games to help you come to grips with the Wii controllers. The fact that you can also use it to show off the abilities of your shiny new Wii is just icing on the cake.

Past-Due Review: Kid Icarus (Wii VC)

Say "hello" to the hardest game to grace the NES.

Compared to the challenging Kid Icarus, most of the system's other headliners paled in comparison. Yes, that includes the mighty Super Mario Bros., The Legend of Zelda and even Metroid.

What makes Kid Icarus (now available for purchase and download from the Wii's Shop Channel) so darn difficult? I'd love to say it's the masterful level design or impressive artificial intelligence, but in all honesty it's because the game is cheap--really, horribly, insanely cheap.

Somehow, some way, I mastered this game when I was a kid. That's saying something, because when I first played it on my Wii a few days ago I had a hard time getting through the first level. If you're like me, you'll find yourself going through the same level over and over again for one reason or another--usually because you keep falling to your death at a certain point. (You'll become quite acquainted with--and disgusted by--the game over screen that declares "I'm Finished!")

So, yes, the game's cheap. But hopefully you noted something I said along with that assertion: that I continued to play the level over and over again regardless of the all-too-common death scenes. That's because along with being hard and cheap, Kid Icarus is a blast to play.

When it was released, the game was unlike anything that came before it. It wasn't as straightforward or action-oriented as Super Mario Bros., but it wasn't as wide open and spacious as Metroid, either (though it does share a similar "feel" to that great game).

The game places you in control of Pit, a fallen angel much like the titular 'Icarus,' as he wanders Angel Land and attempts to rescue the goddess Palutena, who has been imprisoned by the evil Medusa. Angel Land is quite the kingdom, featuring expansive 2D environments that scroll both horizontally and vertically. After traipsing though a few of those levels (three, to be exact), Pit is thrown into a maze-like dungeon that ultimately ends with a bad guy that has to be disposed of before Pit can move on to the next world.

Considering Kid Icarus was one of the first games released on the NES, it looks remarkably sharp and colorful. Controlling Pit is an enjoyably tight experience, despite the many level-design quirks that force you into a premature death. Rounding out the package, the music is charming and memorable, especially the title tune.

Whether or not you're able to move beyond the game's difficulty is up to you. Just know that giving the game a chance is a worthwhile endeavor--even if the old "helper" codes no longer work on the Wii.

Past-Due Review: Super Princess Peach (DS)

When it comes to Super Princess Peach for the Nintendo DS, I have just four words to say to naysayers who have yet to play the game: Don't believe the hate.

That's not to say the game is perfect (or even great, for that matter). But the first game starring Mario's main squeeze is far from a bad game, either. In fact, it's quite a solid entry into the Japanese giant's platforming portfolio.

I won't bore you with the details surrounding Peach's foray into the two-dimensional world of the gut-wrenchingly named Vibe Island. Suffice it to say there's a quirky backstory that supports her quest to save Mario, though it's as threadbare as a 5-year-old's binky.

It's what happens after you skip by the story sequences that matters, right? And that's where Peach shows what's beneath her ruffled skirt (you know what I mean--I think).

For the most part, Super Princess Peach is as tight and solid as any Mario, Wario or Yoshi game on the market. She animates well, handles well and has quite the repertoire of moves (many of which involve her peppy parasol, while the rest involve her super-power emotions).

Unfortunately, most of those moves are negated by the fact that every character, save the end-of-level bosses, can be killed with a simple whack of Peach's umbrella. You heard it: every single one. I know the game is aimed at prepubescent, game-phobic girls, but couldn't the developers have put all of their creativity to better use? We get some of the same great abilities seen in Yoshi platformers (floating, ground pounding, enemy inhaling) but there's nothing to do with them.

That faux-Mario feeling rears its ugly head again while contemplating the game's appearance. Peach, her enemies and her surroundings all are suitably cute and colorful. Some are even downright pretty--and the bosses are impressively drawn and animated to boot. Yet overall the game seems a bit bland or watered down compared to Nintendo's other side-scrolling offerings like New Super Mario Bros. and Yoshi's Island DS. Still, it's far from ugly and at worst can be called "clean and cartoonish."

If that sounds like something you can stomach, take the above review as the push you need to go pick up a copy of the game. If a tight and competent (if not altogether amazing) platformer starring Mario's muse sounds like a nightmare come to life, safe your hard-earned bucks for something a bit more manly.

Past-Due Review: Bonk's Adventure (Wii VC)

I'm fairly certain Bonk will forever be known as the character that ended up with the bronze medal in the great gaming mascot wars of the 90s.

Bonk had a lot going for him--he was cute, knew how to use his head (bad pun, I know) and never buckled under pressure (even when that pressure came from immense green dinosaurs)--but just couldn't overcome the one-two punch of Nintendo's Mario and Sega's Sonic.

So while Super Mario World and Sonic the Hedgehog helped sell millions upon millions of Super NES and Genesis systems during the 16-bit era, Bonk struggled a bit to hock NEC's doomed-from-the-start TurboGrafx-16 system.

That's too bad, because Bonk's Adventure was an enjoyable little platformer. It didn't offer the speed of Sonic or the depth of Mario, but it was a fun and fairly unique experience nonetheless.

Now that the game has been released for the Wii's Virtual Console, a new generation of gamers have been given the chance to experience Bonk and his cromagnon quest. Is it worth your hard-earned Wii points? If you're a fan of 2D action/platform games, I'd say the answer is a definite "yes." If your idea of fun is blasting through 3D environments and nothing else, well, you may want to pass this one by.

Bonk's Adventure goes by at a fairly leisurely pace. You basically move Bonk through various BC-inspired landscapes while taking out enemies (mostly dinosaurs and such) with your big noggin. In that regard, Bonk can headbutt his foes or jump into the air and dive bomb them. Another move at his disposal is to jump into the air and spin wildly--which effectively lets him fly or float for a bit to cross chasms and such.

That's really all there is to it. It's like Mario transported back a few millennia. And aside from the headbutting, that's where Bonk's charms lie: the landscapes are colorful, cute and fun--all of which aptly describe his friends and foes as well. The music and sound effects are a bit on the "blip" and "bloop" side of things, but even they fit the bill and are never grating or annoying.

If you have a few Wii points burning a hole in your virtual pocket--and are longing for a bit of old school platforming action--you could do much worse than download Bonk's Adventure. Keep an eye out, too, for the sequel, Bonk's Revenge, and the Bonk-themed shooter, Air Zonk. Both provide similarly unique thrills for those interested in the genre.

Introducing: The Gay Gamer's 'Past-Due Reviews'

Early on in this blog's life I mentioned that I tend to be a bit late for things--I mean, fashionably late for things. Fortunately or unfortunately, for me that trait extends into the world of video games as well. I barely have time to buy games these days, let alone buy them on launch day and write up a review before the first week is up.

I still like the idea of writing little reviews now and then--and I imagine there are plenty of people out there who, like me, don't buy every game the second it's released--so once in a blue moon I'll post a "Past-Due Review" for your reading pleasure.

Until then, enjoy this pic from Yggdra Union--a game I have, but have yet to "get into." Based on how sweet it looks, I imagine I'll be doing just that very soon.