The Great Gaymathon Review #76: Golf Story (Switch)

Game: Golf Story

Genre: Sports/RPG

Developer: Sidebar Games

Publisher: Sidebar Games

System: Switch

Release date: 2017

Is Golf Story really the second coming of Nintendo's Mario Golf series? Or does it really blend Scotland's national sport with the kooky, quirky, cult classic, EarthBound? My answer to both of those questions is a fairly resounding "no."

That's not to suggest Sidebar Games' maiden release never delights. It does. I wouldn't go so far as to say it delights as much as either of the aforementioned efforts, though--in large part because it lacks the kind of polish associated with most games made by Nintendo and its development partners.

Nowhere is this more clear than when a bug or glitch pops up and interrupts play. Thankfully, most of these are simply aggravating, but a few are game-breaking. Regardless, you won't find either variety in the games that supposedly inspired this one.

There are other aspects of Golf Story that keep it from reaching the heady heights of EarthBound and the Mario Golf GameBoy Color and Advance titles, too. One is its lack of direction or clarity--as in, the game frequently fails to be clear about what you're supposed to do or where you're supposed to go next. Another is its soundtrack, which is far from terrible but also isn't what I'd call enjoyable.



Still, despite these shortcomings, and despite the fact that I don't consider it to exist in the same space as the best Mario Golf titles and EarthBound, Golf Story is an entrancing game.

Its story and protagonist aren't anything special, to tell you the truth. At the starter, you're plopped into the shoes of an "average Joe" kind of guy (you can't choose a gal instead, unfortunately) and then tasked with helping him live out his childhood dream of becoming a pro.

Thankfully, once you get the ball rolling on that journey, the clichés that support it tend to fade into the background. That's a testament to its accessible and appealingly breezy gameplay, which does, in fact, recall Nintendo's first two portable Mario Golf titles--to a point. Granted, most arcade-y golf games control similarly these days; you know, hit a button to get a cursor moving along a linear gauge, hit it again when the cursor nears the gauge's peak (this determines the power of your swing), and then hit it one last time as the cursor approaches its starting point (this determines your timing).

Beyond that basic gameplay element, though, Golf Story feels pretty unique among casual golf titles. You're occasionally asked to play nine holes against another of the game's characters (once per course, to be more specific), but that cornerstone of the sport often takes a backseat to the less traditional--not to mention less time consuming--challenges nearby NPCs offer up as you stroll around each locale.



Some are merely intriguing--like, "I'll bet you can't hit the green from the bunker five times"--while others are downright silly. (A couple of noteworthy examples: using your clubs to feed hungry fish and to hit eyeballs into skeleton skulls.)

On top of all that, Golf Story also allows you to "tee up anywhere." As in, you can drop a ball and take a crack at a hole whenever and wherever you'd like. Or you can simply smack balls in random directions, if that's what you prefer. Regardless, I personally think that press release bullet point is more interesting in theory than in practice.

So, what about the rest of this indie darling? It certainly looks the part, with graphics that evoke the better (cartoonish) sports games of the late 1980s or early 1990s. As for its story, it may not be as brilliant or as "out there" as EarthBound's, but it's well crafted and stuffed with text that elicits a chuckle. In other words, it's deserving of the attention and praise that've been heaped upon it to date.

The same can be said of Golf Story as a whole. Sure, it's not quite the blend of EarthBound and Mario Golf many claim it to be, but it's still charming and addictive and an overall joy to play--even with its bugs, glitches, and other rough edges.



See also: previous Golf Story impressions and previous 'Great Gaymathon' reviews

The Great Gaymathon Review #75: The Starship Damrey (3DS)

Game: The Starship Damrey

Genre: Adventure

Developer: Level-5

Publisher: Level-5

System: 3DS (eShop)

Release date: 2013

If you've heard anything about The Starship Damrey, it's probably that it doesn't last long. And it doesn't--my playthrough ended just short of the four-hour mark, while I've heard others have reached the game's credit roll just two-and-a-half hours after they started it.

Some people will tell you The Starship Damrey isn't worth buying because of its brevity. I'm not one of them. In fact, I think that in a world of 100-hour behemoths like Dragon Quest VII, this game's curtness should be looked at as a major selling point.

It helps, of course, that I purchased The Starship Damrey for a measly $2.99. (It's usually $7.99.) Still, considering this Level-5 release is at least as long as, and easily as compelling as, your average popcorn flick, I'd say it's well worth eight bucks, if that's what you have to pay to get it.

As for what makes The Starship Damrey so compelling, well, its setting--a derelict spaceship that calls to mind those depicted in the Alien and Aliens films--has a lot to do with it. Even better, the game begins with you waking up trapped inside a "Cold Sleep" capsule within the above-mentioned ship. And on top of that, it offers no explanation as to why you're there or what you're supposed to do to escape it.

From that point on, it's up to you to solve those mysteries by making use of the handful of "Assist Robots" situated throughout the craft and having them prowl its nearly silent interiors in your stead.

Thankfully, exploring Damrey's halls--from a first-person perspective, if the screens here don't make it clear--is both easy and intuitive. Your 3DS' directional pad controls movement (press up to go forward, right to turn in that direction, etc.), while its circle pad controls the camera. A press of the system's face buttons lets you interact with or investigate items in your path or field of view, like doors, bodies or other objects of interest.

It has to be noted, by the way, that you do all of the above while basically fumbling around in the dark. You also do it in almost complete silence. Some ambient noise, as opposed to an actual soundtrack, accompanies your journey through the Starship Damrey's claustrophobic innards, but only a smidgen.

Both aspects are sure to cause a certain percentage of players to wrinkle their noses in disgust--or at least annoyance. Although I'd understand such a reaction (to a point), I personally thought those design decisions helped solidify the sense of desolation and even dread that permeated my Starship Damrey playthrough.

In the end, I'd highly recommend this title, made by text-based-adventure pioneers Kazuya Asano and Takemaru Abiko, to anyone who doesn't consider first-person games set it dark, quiet and semi-claustrophobic environments to be deal-breaking turnoffs.

Just do your best to overcome any stumbling blocks without turning to a guide or an FAQ for assistance. After all, if you're only going to spend a couple of hours with a game, you may as well beat it on your own, right?

See also: previous 'Great Gaymathon' reviews

The Great Gaymathon Review #74: Pocket Card Jockey (3DS)

Game: Pocket Card Jockey

Genre: Puzzle

Developer: Game Freak

Publisher: Nintendo

System: 3DS (eShop)

Release date: 2016

You know a game is full-on bonkers when even telling someone it combines solitaire and horse racing doesn't convey how bonkers it is.

I'm sure some of you are wondering, can a title produced by the folks (at Game Freak) who gave the world the decidedly tame Pokémon series really be all that bonkers?

Consider that a proper Pocket Card Jockey playthrough means encountering and experiencing all of the following:

* getting trampled to death by an adorable peg-legged horse
* hyping up your solitaire skills while begging an angel to send you back to earth
* coming up with silly names for steeds of all shapes (one has a fiery mane, one looks like a dragon, one is dressed like a ninja, one seems to be a robot) and colors
* breeding those equines to produce offspring that are faster, more resilient and, hopefully, have a better temperament than their parents
* racing all of the above for a colorful cast of managers (including a spoiled rich kid with a pompadour, an effervescent pop idol and an evil scientist)

Oh, and last bullet point involves quickly clearing a series of golf solitaire tableaus--which also is pretty bonkers, if you ask me.

Of course, none of the wackiness described above means much if the rest of what’s on offer is a bore. Thankfully, it’s not. In fact, Pocket Card Jockey is as addictively and delightfully fun as it is brilliantly weird.

It’s like Tetris in that it’s the kind of game that prompts you tell yourself, “just one more race. OK, maybe two more.” And the next thing you know, you have no idea where the last couple of hours went.

That’s due, in large part, to how adroitly Game Freak's designers were able to turn Pocket Card Jockey's many disparate elements into a bite-sized title that's far more than the sum of its parts.

Actually, it goes beyond that. They also were able to combine this game's many components in such a way that you rarely think of them as separate entities. Rather than thinking of this as a solitaire game or a horse-racing or -breeding game, Pocket Card Jockey is very much its own thing--kind of like how the Famicom Disk System title, Otocky, is its own thing despite blending the shmup and rhythm genres.

All that said, more than a few of this title's elements deserve to be singled out for praise. One is its overall art style, which is about as adorable and appealing as can be. Another is its control scheme, which relies almost entirely on the 3DS' touch screen--and to great effect. Its localized text, which is both darker and wittier than most will expect from a Game Freak-made release, is similarly on-point. Finally, there's its soundtrack, which may be the best to appear in a 3DS game yet.

As for Pocket Card Jockey's negative aspects, I honestly can't think of any at the moment. Some may point to the abundance of text that's offered up here, or the fact that it becomes a tad repetitive over time, but I personally don't consider them to be worthy of complaint.

If you absolutely need me to rip on some portion of Pocket Card Jockey, this will have to do: should you be anything like me, you'll put a lot of time into this digital title. Don't believe me? Consider that I spent about 70 hours with the Japanese version of the game and I've spent nearly as many hours with its North American counterpart.

In other words, you probably won't regret spending just under $7 on it--unless, I guess, you have an extreme distaste for anything that can be described as "bonkers."

See also: my Pocket Card Jockey guide and my previous 'Great Gaymathon' reviews

The Great Gaymathon Review #73: City Connection (Famicom)

Game: City Connection

Genre: Platformer

Developer: Axes Art Amuse

Publisher: Jaleco Entertainment

System: Famicom

Release date: 1985

The 1980s were great for folks who enjoyed playing video games with completely off-the-wall settings and premises.

There was a game that starred two brothers who, upon being turned into bubble-blowing dragons, set off to rescue their kidnapped girlfriends from a skeletal whale. Another noteworthy offering was a text adventure featuring nothing but anthropomorphic fruits and vegetables--with the protagonist being a cucumber knight.

Hell, the cartridge that helped make video games a household name around the world--its main character being a mustachioed plumber who spends his free time eating spotted mushrooms and tossing fireballs at meandering chestnut-shaped baddies with Brooke Shields-esque eyebrows--made its debut during this decade.

In that context, a pithy platformer that puts players into the driver's seat of an unstoppable hot rod and tasks them with painting the streets of various tourist destinations (London, New York City and Paris among them) seems positively pedestrian.

That's not to say Jaleco's City Connection, which began life as a quarter-muncher before being ported to the MSX and Famicom, is a bore. In fact, I'd say it's the polar opposite of that.

Admittedly, it isn't the deepest of gaming experiences. All you have to do while playing it is press left or right on your controller's d-pad to change the direction of your car--like I said earlier, it moves on its own--and hit the A button to make your auto jump. (Oh, and you can collect oil cans while racing about and then shoot them at obstacles by tapping your controller's B button.)

OK, so there's a bit more to City Connection than that. While you're busy aiming your car and timing its jumps, you also have to keep an eye on the road before you. This is because sharing the pavement with you are police cars, spikes and cats. Run into any of them and you lose one of the small handful of lives given to you at the game's onset.

If all of that sounds kind of ridiculous, well, it is. It's also surprisingly enjoyable--and even rather addictive. Basically, City Connection is one of those old games that's easy to stick into your Famicom, play for a few minutes, bop your head to the brilliant backing tunes and then return to the rest of your day.

Which I guess may sound disappointing to folks searching for another title to add to their "games are art" discussions. Plenty of titles, old and new, fit that description, though, so my suggestion is to forget about that for the time being and accept City Connection for the simplistic fun it ably provides.

See also: previous 'Great Gaymathon' reviews plus 'Manual Stimulation (City Connection)' and 'Nice Package! (City Connection)'

The Great Gaymathon Review #72: Astro Rabby (GameBoy)

Game: Astro Rabby

Genre: Platformer

Developer: Cyclone System

Publisher: IGS

System: GameBoy

Release date: 1990

It's no secret that Nintendo's GameBoy wasn't a technological marvel. Sure, its hardware was comparable to that of the Famicom (or the NES, if that's your cup of tea), but that doesn't mean a whole lot when you consider the latter was six years old when the former first hit the streets.

Also, as everyone should know by now, the GameBoy's screen wasn't the greatest. In fact, it's far more responsible for holding back this handheld's titles than the amount of sprites it could handle or the size of its onboard RAM.

I bring up all of these details because they prompted a lot of developers to put a cap on their creativity while producing games for Nintendo's first portable system. That's most evident in the shocking number of puzzlers and other simple, single-screen affairs that found their way onto store shelves during the GameBoy's reign.

The same criticism can't be laid at the feet of the folks at Cyclone System, makers of Astro Rabby. After all, not only is this Japan-only 1990 release a platformer, but it's a top-down platformer that in a really weird way calls to mind an early PlayStation effort that so many people seem to love, Jumping Flash!

Admittedly, Jumping Flash! offers players a whole lot more freedom than Astro Rabby does, but the point still stands: this is a GameBoy title that shouldn't exist given the bulk of the system's often-creatively-barren catalog.

Which begs the question: what makes Astro Rabby so great? Or, at least, what makes stand out from the system's sea of Tetris wannabes?

To that, the first thing I'd point out is the top-down, pseudo-3D platforming action that serves as this game's backbone. It's weird and kind of floaty at first, but give it time and it'll not only grow on you but it'll probably start to feel pretty darn good. I'd even go so far as to describe it as "exhilarating" after you become accustomed to it.

Mind you, Astro Rabby isn't some sort of freeform platformer that lets you wander about as you like. Actually, it's presented almost like an overhead shmup. Each space-based level scrolls forward at a rather languid pace (thankfully!). If you reach a particular level's end point without picking up the "power-up part" that's hidden within one of its many Super Mario-esque question blocks--here you bounce on them rather than hit them from below to reveal what's inside--you loop back to the beginning and continue in that vein until you finally nab it.

In the meantime, you hop around and do your best to avoid the out-of-place baddies--extraterrestrial frogs, moles, octopi and the like--as well as bottomless pits that populate the remainder of each stage.

Something that makes all of this space-hopping, parts-grabbing action a little more enjoyable than it would be otherwise is the blippy, boppy soundtrack that percolates in the background.

If only the best of those tunes played during Astro Rabby's woeful bonus rounds. They're based on that old-fashioned game known as Concentration--only in this case you're tasked with matching bell chimes rather than images. If that sounds at all appealing, well, let me assure you that it isn't.

Actually, I'm sure it would be at least acceptable if it were easy to tell the difference between the sounds. As it stands, it's hard--really hard--to tell one from another. Combine that with the fact that you have to wrap things up in 30 seconds or less, and you've got yourself a miserable experience.

Thankfully, you're allowed to continue on with your pixelated adventure even if you fail to complete these extra stages. There's no question, though, that it would be a lot more fun if Astro Rabby's developers had it so you could beat them now and then. (Full disclosure: I've yet to get close to clearing a single one.)

My suggestion: pretend these bonus rounds don't exist and instead focus your attention on the rest of what this quirky import has to offer. Do that and you should have a surprisingly good time--especially if you generally use your GameBoy to play one of the system's many puzzlers.

See also: previous 'Great Gaymathon' reviews plus 'Another Year of the GameBoy: Astro Rabby'

The Great Gaymathon Review #71: Hoshi no Kirby (GameBoy)

Game: Hoshi no Kirby

Genre: Platformer

Developer: HAL Laboratory

Publisher: Nintendo

System: GameBoy

Release date: 1992

It may be hard to believe given my current love of cute games, but my first experience with a Kirby game didn't come until I eagerly picked up a copy of the DS-based spin-off known in my neck of the woods as Canvas Curse.

Which means, of course, that I was about 13 years late to that pink, puffy party. (The title we're chatting about here, which was Kirby's maiden voyage--or whatever the gaming equivalent of that ages-old phrase may be--first hit store shelves back in 1992.)

Why did I ignore Hoshi no Kirby (aka Kirby's Dream Land) for so darn long? I owned a GameBoy system and a whole slew of GB games at the time this cart was released in my region, after all, so adding it to my collection shouldn't have been out of the question. Sadly, the only answer I can come up with at the moment is that it looked a tad too easy for my liking.

Even then, it seems, I couldn't understand the point of a cakewalk platformer. I mean, really, who wants to stroll through a side-scrolling action game that refuses to put up an adequate fight? Not me, that's for sure.

And so I turned my nose up at Hoshi no Kirby--until I played and loved Canvas Curse. Actually, it took longer than that for me to give this portable effort a chance, as I didn't dive into it until after Kirby's Epic Yarn extracted its flannel-tipped claws from the depths of my soul sometime in 2010 or 2011.

At any rate, I eventually acquired a copy of Hoshi no Kirby--and quickly fell in love with it, too. Which is a good thing, as this particular Kirby adventure doesn't last very long. In fact, its five or so worlds and their respective bosses can be toppled in about 25 minutes if you can keep yourself from dillydallying.

Strangely, coming face to face with that truth didn't bother as much as I thought it would, and my only explanation for that is Hoshi no Kirby is so damn cute, and its titular protagonist is such a joy to control, that it's hard not to put aside your usual prejudices and instead focus on having fun when you pop its cartridge into your trusty GameBoy.

Does that mean I consider this initial iteration of the Kirby formula--which is what I imagine Super Mario Bros. would be like if it had been made by kids, what with its cartoonish, dream-like focus on manipulating Kirby's gaping maw to inhale baddies and float above the earth--to be portable perfection in black and white? Not hardly.

A case in point: although Hoshi no Kirby is a total, grin-inducing hoot to play through, there's no denying its brevity--even when a second, slightly more difficult adventure is offered up on a pixelated platter at the tail end of the first. Also, there's no question that this Kirby escapade feels a bit "bare bones" when compared to pretty much every other game that stars this pink puffball.

That's not enough for me to give this game whatever my version of a "thumbs down" would be, though, especially considering both physical and digital copies of it can be picked up for less than $10 these days. Back when it was a new release and cost a couple of times that amount? Sure, why not. But here in 2015, the only reason I can come up with that would prompt me to recommend someone not buy this gem of a platformer is if they already own it in some form or fashion.

See also: previous 'Great Gaymathon' reviews

The Great Gaymathon Review #70: Rhythm Tengoku The Best Plus (3DS)

Game: Rhythm Tengoku The Best Plus

Genre: Music/Rhythm

Developer: Nintendo SPD

Publisher: Nintendo

System: 3DS

Release date: 2015

Despite the fact that a lot of people consider video games to be synonymous with "fun," amusement sadly doesn’t seem to be the aim of a whole lot of the cartridges and discs that find their way onto physical and virtual store shelves these days.

Which helps explain why I've found the grin-inducing Rhythm Tengoku: The Best Plus to be so refreshing thus far—even though a good portion of its content is recycled from earlier entries in this vaunted series of rhythm games.

I’m not sure why my reaction to The Best Plus surprised me, I’ve got to admit. After all, I’ve adored every Rhythm Tengoku title the folks that make up Nintendo’s SPD department have spit out to this point—which includes the GBA original from 2006, 2009’s Gold and 2012’s Fever (known as Minna no Rhythm Tengoku in Japan).

I guess I just assumed that this latest iteration’s status as a “best of” release would make it less enjoyable than its predecessors. Thankfully, after putting more than 13 hours into it (and getting all the way to its credit roll) so far, I can say without hesitation that this is far from the case and that The Best Plus is just as likely to put a smile on your face as those earlier titles.

That’s partially due to the all-new mini-games that are on offer here (with "Te Te Te Pan Pan," or "Neko Clap," being the best of the bunch), but it’s also due to the fact that this iteration does things differently than the ones that came before it.

Granted, some folks—long-time fans of the series, especially—aren’t as fond as I am of the some of the changes introduced in Rhythm Tengoku: The Best Plus. The main culprits: the surprisingly text-heavy story that holds everything together this time around, the older mini-games that kick things off and feature songs that have been re-worked in mostly unappealing ways, and the many hours of play that have to be put in before you can access the first of the series’ vaunted “remixes.”

Although I can see where they're coming from with their complaints, I personally like that this release's developers had the balls to take some liberties with the series' heretofore tried-and-true formula.

It helps, of course, that after The Best Plus' somewhat slow start, everything progresses at a nice, increasingly enjoyable clip. That's especially true after a bunch of old favorites show up to the festivities (with the exception of "The Bon Odori"--harrumph) and a slew of fabulous remixes do the same.

Also helping matters is that controls in The Best Plus are as simple and straightforward as those that can be found in the GBA original. In other words, all you're asked to do is press a single button (two, on rare occasions) in time with the music that's on hand. There's no swiping of DS' touchscreen or pinching of the Wii remote's A and B buttons, as was the case with Gold and Fever, respectively--news that's sure to please a lot of the Rhythm Tengoku lovers who weren't big fans of those entries.

Admittedly, I found myself kind of missing the aforementioned touchscreen swipes while playing through some of the updated iterations of Gold's mini-games that are on offer here, but it wasn't enough of a bummer for me to considering downgrading this "review" as a result.

Speaking of which, if you've played the first Rhythm Tengoku or Fever on the Wii and got a kick out of those experiences, you'll probably react similarly to this one. Or, if you played Gold and hated it because it forced you to use your DS' stylus, you'll likely find yourself a lot less grumpy this time around.

Unfortunately, a lot of people who fall into one or both of those camps won't be able to see if my predictions are spot-on or off the mark unless Rhythm Tengoku: The Best Plus is released in their particular locale (thanks to Nintendo's idiotic decision to region-lock the 3DS hardware), so here's hoping Australian, European, North American and other localizations are announced--and sooner rather than later.

See also: previous 'Great Gaymathon' reviews

The Great Gaymathon Review #69: BurgerTime Deluxe (GameBoy)

Game: BurgerTime Deluxe

Genre: Arcade

Developer: Data East

Publisher: Data East

System: GameBoy

Release date: 1991

As much as I've always loved the unique-to-this-day arcade classic that is BurgerTime, I'd be hard pressed to describe it as "accessible" thanks to the daunting challenge it presents anyone who dares approach it.

Thankfully, the folks at Data East--the now-defunct, Tokyo-based company was both the developer and publisher of the 1982 original--decided in the early 1990s to take another stab at the avoid-food-themed-baddies-while-piecing-together-gigantic-burgers formula that proved so appealing (if not accessible) in their earlier effort, with the result being this far more enjoyable sequel.

Now, that isn't to suggest BurgerTime Deluxe is some sort of pushover. In fact, by the time you reach the game's fourth "world," you'll likely be pulling your hair out as you attempt to complete at least a few of its final handful of stages. You won't be doing that because the stages in question are "cheap," though, and that's definitely a key takeaway here.

Another key takeaway related to this portable platformer (of sorts): despite its obvious lack of color, it looks great on the GameBoy's (or 3DS', if that's how you roll) small screen, with well-drawn sprites that easily put to shame those found in, say, the Famicom port of the arcade original. Sure, it would've been nice if the developers had done more to change up the backdrops that support this quirky title's burger-making, condiment-escaping action, but at least they throw in a new enemy or ingredient every now and then.

The team responsible for putting BurgerTime Deluxe together was a bit more creatively on the ball when it came to producing the game's soundtrack, thankfully, as three different tunes are divvied up amongst its 24 levels. My favorite is the lilting, peppy one that kicks things off, although the others have their charms, too.

Add all of the above together and you've got a GameBoy title that's well worth exploring, especially if you're like me and you liked the idea, but not the execution, of the arcade original.

It's nowhere near as deep or exhilarating as, say, Nintendo's splendid Donkey Kong revamp that was released in 1994, of course, but it holds its own against pretty much every other platformer produced for this iconic portable, and for that reason alone I'd say it deserves a look.

See also: previous 'Great Gaymathon' reviews

The Great Gaymathon Review #68: Yoshi's New Island (3DS)

Game: Yoshi's New Island

Genre: Platformer

Developer: Arzest

Publisher: Nintendo

System: 3DS

Release date: 2014

Now that everyone else on the planet has declared this Yoshi's Island follow-up to be a stinker of the first degree, I'm going to spend a few hundred words doing the same here, right? Wrong.

In fact, although I agree with those critics who gnash their teeth and wring their hands while muttering that New Island never quite reaches the heights its predecessor hit in terms of gameplay, graphics, soundtrack or even engagement, I also believe it eventually shows itself to be a "worthy enough" successor to that classic 16-bit platformer in most, if not all, of those same areas.

As for why that is, let's start by talking about the most important of the aforementioned elements: gameplay. For the most part, there's little difference between controls and options found in the original Yoshi's Island and those found in New Island. Jumping, inhaling enemies and tossing eggs serve as the anchors of both titles, and each of those actions feels pretty much the same regardless of which game you're playing. (It's possible jumping is a smidge slower in the 3DS title, but I can't say that with any confidence.)

New Island does attempt to add some spice to the Yoshi-platformer formula by throwing huge eggs of a couple of sorts and a handful of gyro-controlled bonus games that turn the titular dinosaur into various vehicles into the mix, but in my opinion neither winds up making the kind of impact or impression Nintendo seems to think they should make on players. So, it's probably best to think of New Island as "more of the same" in terms of gameplay--which is fine by me.

When it comes to New Island's graphics, on the other hand, there's no question that early impressions aren't good. At all. At first, everything looks, at best, to be a bastardization of the original. (Compare the aesthetics of the opening stage in Yoshi's Island to the first one in Yoshi's New Island for a particularly glaring and depressing example.) A few worlds in, though, and the situation improves mightily. In fact, my only complaint with this game's visuals in the end is that they sometimes seem a bit too mishmash-y due to the variety of art styles (chalk, crayon and watercolor paint among them) stuffed into each and every stage.

Another area in which Yoshi's New Island initially disappoints is its soundtrack. Gone are the assertively peppy songs that filled the first Yoshi's Island title, and in their place are a selection of far more laid-back tunes. Like New Island's graphics, though, I eventually came to appreciate, if not love, its background music and respect that its composer, Masayoshi Ishi, decided to take an altogether different path, aurally speaking, than his predecessor (Koji Kondo).

Given the positive-ish-leaning-toward-ho-hum reactions I've shared so far, it shouldn't be too hard to understand how some people who've played New Island have walked away feeling sour while others (like myself) have left it with a more appealing taste in our mouths. I can't help but imagine, though, that the former group of folks (the ones who aren't fans of Yoshi's New Island) may have had a less negative reaction to the game had the overall experience been a tad more engaging. After all, try as it might, this 3DS title never quite matches the original in that regard--although I'd be hard-pressed to point out exactly why that is. I have a feeling, though, it's due to the folks at developer Arzest being too concerned with aping the first game's key components instead of trying to improve upon them.

Regardless, I still consider Yoshi's New Island to be a worthwhile pick-up for 3DS owners--yes, even those who've placed the 16-bit original on a pedestal--looking for a platformer that'll keep them busy for 15 or so hours. Just make sure you don't go into it expecting it to resemble Super Mario World 3 or anything crazy like that.

See also: previous 'Great Gaymathon' reviews

Pardon the re-introduction

Don't worry, I know the phrase is "pardon the interruption," but I decided to turn it on its head for this post because, well, in this post I'm going to be turning a few other things on their heads, too.

Specifically, I'm using this post to let folks know I'm renaming a few of the "columns" that are semi-regularly published here.

The column names in question--"Five Favorites," "Let's Play: Which Box Art is Better?" and "Shall We Do It?"--have been bugging me for a while now, so I decided a couple of weeks ago to try to come up with new ones.

Here are the possibilities I'm toying with at the moment:

The rather boringly titled "Five Favorites" will be dropped in favor of "The Fab Five." Or "Five Fabulous Favorites." Or maybe even "Five Fab Faves." I don't know.

On the other hand, "Let's Play: Which Box Art is Better?" will, without question, be replaced by the far more colorful (and silly) "Nice Package!"--with related headlines that will look something like this: "Nice Package! (Tomodachi Life, 3DS)."

Finally, "Shall We Do It?" is going to become "Let's Do It"--as in, "Let's Do It: Etrian Odyssey IV and Rusty's Real Deal Baseball (3DS)." I think.

By the way, I actually quite like "Shall We Do It?" as a column name. That question mark really messes things up, though, which is why I want to change it. That said, maybe there's a way I can tweak it to make it work--like, "Shall We Do It? (THE "DENPA" MEN 3 and Theatrhythm Final Fantasy: Curtain Call)."

As I'm sure you can tell, I'm not completely sure about any of the above--except, I mean, for "Nice Package!" That one's being used for sure.

What do you think? If you have any thoughts--especially about "The Fab Five" et al--please share them in the comments section below.

Oh, and as for the other columns I tend to publish here--the "Great Gaymathon" reviews, my "Somewhat Gay" reviews and "Manual Stimulation"--their names are staying put.

The Great Gaymathon Review #67: Kitchen Panic (GameBoy)

Game: Kitchen Panic

Genre: Action

Developer: Bits Laboratory

Publisher: Coconuts Japan

System: GameBoy

Release date: 1991

Let's not beat around the bush--or maybe I should say blender--here: if Kitchen Panic were edible rather than playable, it would be a McDonald's Happy Meal instead of a four-course meal from a three-star restaurant.

That's not me saying this Japan-only GameBoy title deserves to be dumped in the trash along with the spoiled leftovers, by the way. On the contrary, it's actually a pretty cute, "enjoyable enough" little game--just don't look for it to blow you away. And for crying out loud, don't go dropping a wad of cash on it (unless you're one of those crazy collector-types, of course). Go into it with the right expectations, though, and I think you'll have a reasonably good time.

As for what you'll be doing during that "reasonably good time," well, you'll be running around kitchen-themed levels of various sizes--they start off taking up a single screen but quickly grow to many times that--spraying insects of all sorts (cockroaches, mosquitos, worms and more) with Raid until a door appears and whisks you off to another one.

If that sounds less than totally thrilling, well, I can't blame you. Kitchen Panic is, after all, a pretty basic experience. Still, it all becomes kind of enjoyable after you've spent a bit of time with it. Also, the slightest smidge of depth enters the fray when you discover that the sun-, star- and moon-branded blocks that seem to randomly appear (I haven't figured out what prompts them to pop up, at least) after killing certain insects can be pushed together to boost your health, allow you to become invincible and more.

Toss into the mix a couple of bonus stages and boss fights, and you've got yourself an arcade-style action game that's sort of repetitive but also sort of fun--and sports some rather nice "cart art," if I do say so myself.

See also: some photos of Kitchen Panic's packaging, scans of its entire instruction manual, plus previous 'Great Gaymathon' reviews

The Great Gaymathon Review #66: Painter Momopie (GameBoy)

Game: Painter Momopie

Genre: Action

Developer: Sigma Entertainment

Publisher: Sigma Entertainment

System: GameBoy

Release date: 1990

I've mentioned this game in so many posts over the last six months that I thought I finally should write and publish a formal review of it.

So, what's the first thing you should know about this little-known import? I'd say it's that the game, at its heart, is a late-to-the-party Pac-Man clone. Actually, a better way of stating things might be to say that it plays like an inverted version of that Namco classic. After all, rather than ridding each stage of something (pellets in the case of Pac-Man), in Painter Momopie your aim is to fill each stage with something--specifically, you're tasked with painting the floors of someone's home. (The titular Momopie's? I would guess so, but I'm not entirely sure.)

Sigma's "clone" apes its main source of inspiration in another important way, too--that being that the witchy protagonist is forced to avoid, as best she can, a slew of baddies who "kill" her upon touch. Unlike their counterparts in Pac-Man, though, the enemies found in Painter Momopie aren't simply color swaps of one another. Here they're distinct creatures with similarly distinct personalities and routines. A few examples: the blubbery ghosts that float through walls, the tittering mice that occasionally leave behind footprints that have to be cleaned up and the odd-looking baddies known as "ojari" that drop deadly puffs of dust in their wake.

That isn't the only example of how this portable effort differs from its quarter-munching predecessor. Another: Painter Momopie's stages aren't abstract realities like those that appear in Pac-Man. In fact, as I mentioned earlier, the ones in the former seem to be the actual rooms of someone's house. The whole she-bang begins in the kitchen, for instance, then moves to the hallway, a couple of bedrooms and more. I wouldn't go so far as to describe these constructions as being anything close to ornate, but they get the job done and they're more visually intriguing than Pac-Man's neon-colored corridors, so I'm not about to complain.

Momopie's individual levels also are far less rigid than the ones found in Namco's genre king, with rooms laid out in a more organic and asymmetrical fashion. That's generally a good thing, by the way, but not always, as sometimes I find myself longing for even a couple of them to be a bit more structured so I can zone out like I do when I play, say, Ms. Pac-Man. (Because, really, who plays Pac-Man when they have access to his wife's game?)

What else should you know about Painter Momopie before spending your hard-earned dollars on a copy of it (or, you know, before you search for and download the ROM--hey, I'm not judging)? Well, it looks quite nice, even if it's far from a stunner. I especially like Momopie's sprite, for whatever reason.

Its soundtrack isn't quite so impressive, sadly. The tunes are jaunty enough, but they stick around too long--you have to listen to the same one over and over again for seven stages before a new one pops up. Granted, games like Bubble Bobble force you to listen to the same track from start to finish, so it seems harsh to complain about Momopie's situation, but then again the latter's music can't hold a candle to former's so maybe that's the real issue here.

The only other thing I can think of to say here is that you've got to stick with Painter Momopie a bit before it shows its teeth, so to speak. The first seven stages are a veritable cakewalk, but things do become more difficult after that. So, if your only quibble early on is that it's a bit too easy, play a few more levels before deciding to hang on to it or give it the heave-ho.

See also: photos of the Painter Momopie box and cartridge, and scans of the Painter Momopie manual

The Great Gaymathon Review #65: Sweet Fuse: At Your Side (PSP)

Game: Sweet Fuse: At Your Side

Genre: Otome/Visual Novel

Developers: Comcept and Idea Factory

Publisher: Aksys Games

System: PSP

Release date: 2013

Considering how much I enjoyed Hakuoki: Demon of the Fleeting Blossom a few years ago, I approached the kind of similar--yet decidedly more modern--Sweet Fuse: At Your Side with fairly high expectations.

Which may explain why I initially, at least, found myself feeling a tad underwhelmed by this PSP "visual novel," despite the fact that I consider both its creative setup (it's a mystery that takes place at a video game-themed amusement park) and its colorful cast of characters to be far more appealing that the ones offered up by Hakuoki.

Thankfully, my indifference only lasted for an hour or so. After that, I was fully and joyfully involved with this game's plot--a doozie that involves saving game illustrator and producer Keiji Inafune and a few other folks from being blown to smithereens, along with the aforementioned theme park, by a porcine villain.

That's not to say the experience was all puppies and rainbows. There were times, for instance, when I just wanted the characters to shut up so I could move things along. (And by that, I mean so I could spend some more "alone time" with my main-squeeze-to-be, Ayumu Shirabe.) Granted, chattiness kind of comes with the territory when you agree to play a virtual novel, which tend to feel a lot like Choose Your Own Adventure novels in game form, but that isn't going to keep me from occasionally becoming annoyed by someone who's being just a bit too verbose.

Speaking of visual-novel standbys, another Sweet Fuse element that proved to be a bump in the road for me, from time to time, was the one that basically dictates that a player use a guide if he or she wants to end up successfully wooing a particular man in the end. (And let's be honest here: as much as this game is about solving a mystery and saving Inafune, it's also about winding up with a hot boyfriend.) I know this is a staple of the genre--that one or two missteps can keep you from finding love--but I really would've preferred it if the developers of this game could've found a way to make things less rigid in that regard.

Other than those two aspects, though, I found Sweet Fuse to be a thoroughly engaging and enjoyable affair. Like I said earlier, there's a lot to like about this game's cast--from its spunky protagonist, Saki Inafune (she's Keiji's neice), to its disparate band of potential paramours, to its cigar-chomping baddie, Count Hogstein.

The overall story here deserves praise, too. There are twists and turns, red herrings, dramatic confrontations and colorful dialogue--all of which are part and parcel of any good mystery, if you ask me.

And then there are the little things that conspire to keep players excitedly--or at least attentively--pressing their PSPs' X buttons, like the "Break Time" and "Explosive Insight" segments and the moments that prompt Saki to get pissed and scream, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!"

Does all of the above mean I wholeheartedly recommend Sweet Fuse to anyone who happens across this review? Not entirely. Some folks just aren't going to enjoy spending 10 or so hours mostly clicking through text, even if that text is both witty and entertaining. If that doesn't bother you, though, and if you're even slightly curious about this game's concept, I'd certainly recommend giving it a try as soon as you can.

See also: previous 'Great Gaymathon' reviews and Sweet Fuse posts

The Great Gaymathon Review #64: The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds (3DS)

Game: The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds

Genre: Action/Adventure

Developer: Nintendo

Publisher: Nintendo

System: 3DS

Release date: 2013

If I were to boil down this review to a single sentence, it'd probably read something like this: A Link Between Worlds is so magical (yes, magical) that it's singlehandedly rekindled my long-lost interest in the Zelda series as a whole.

This could hardly be considered much of a review if I stopped there, though, so I guess I should get to typing. But where should I start? Here's as good a spot as any, in my humble opinion: A Link Between Worlds, as you may have heard, is a years-in-coming follow-up to The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, aka one of my all-time favorite games.

The thing is, that 1992 release is one of the few Zelda games I've ever enjoyed (with the others being the series' very first game and the original Nintendo 64 version of Ocarina of Time--although I've got to admit I haven't spent enough time with A Link's Awakening, Majora's Mask or The Wind Waker to have formed a solid opinion of them). Even then, I came into A Link Between Worlds with monumentally low expectations. In fact, I nearly decided to pass on the game entirely--that's how disinterested I am in this vaunted series these days.

After putting just over 20 hours into my particular copy of the game, though, I can safely say my initial fears--and my aloof attitude--were unwarranted. One of my main worries, by the way, was that A Link Between Worlds would be little more than an unattractive retread of A Link to the Past. And guess what? That couldn't be further from the truth.

Sure, there are a lot of similarities between the two games--they're both set in the same world (although most locations are different), they both feature the same basic gameplay, they both feature the same music and sound effects (although the former are re-arrangements)--but despite that A Link Between Worlds does an admirable job of presenting itself as an engagingly unique effort.

In large part, that's because of this game's signature "gimmick," which allows Link to turn into a piece of graffiti and scamper along walls and shimmy through cracks, but there are other reasons, too. A couple of them: the open-ended gameplay (you can tackle its dungeons in whatever order you choose, basically) and the ability to rent the game's appealing assortment of both old and new items (yep, you no longer acquire them within each dungeon) nearly right from the start.

It's also worth noting that although there's a story that helps move players along, it's the definition of barebones (while still proving to be at least somewhat interesting, of course) and never gets in the way of the action--which is how I like it in my Zelda games.

All of the above takes a back seat to the most important aspect of A Link Between Worlds' appeal, however; that being how it "feels."

By that, I mean that quite literally everything feels great (and "right," if that makes sense) and is a joy to experience in this game--from moving Link around, to slashing at enemies (who tend to bounce away as if they were made out of rubber) or tall clumps of grass, to smooshing anything and everything with the "magic mallet" (my favorite item), to turning into painting and stuttering along walls.

That, to me, was the thing that most blew me away while traipsing through this particular Zelda adventure, and it's also the thing that's most likely to bring me back for second, third and even more playthroughs in the coming months and years.

Sure, its graphics are surprisingly, even shockingly, charming and its soundtrack is filled with tunes that will prompt even most hardened gamer to hum along, but they really just serve to make A Link Between Worlds look and sound nice. Even without those elements, this game would play like a dream, and that's all that should matter in cases like this, isn't it?

See also: previous 'Great Gaymathon' reviews

Suggestions?

Now that a new year is upon us, I thought this would be the perfect time to ask all of you if you have any suggestions as to how I may be able to improve this here blog in the next 12 or so months.

For instance, I cut back on "Great Gaymathon" and "Somewhat Gay" reviews in 2013--in part because they've never been my favorite thing to write and in part because they've never seemed very popular with readers. Would any of you like to see more of them in 2014, or are you OK with me publishing them only occasionally?

I also haven't published many "Manual Stimulation" posts in the last few months--would any of you like to see them show up with a bit more regularity this year?

Or maybe you'd like me to start an entirely new "column" or two (similar to the ones above) in 2014? I have no idea what said column(s) would focus on, but I'm sure you folks can come up with a few suggestions if you put your minds to it. Regardless, feel free to share any thoughts you may have in the comments section below.

The Great Gaymathon Review #63: Animal Crossing (GameCube)

Game: Animal Crossing

Genre: Life Simulation

Developer: Nintendo

Publisher: Nintendo

System: GameCube

Release date: 2002

Given how much time I've put into the first--the first to be released in North America, anyway--Animal Crossing title, you'd think I would've reviewed it by now. One of the main reasons for this inexplicable delay: I wasn't at all sure how to explain to readers why I adore this "life simulation" as much as I do. In part, that's because I probably shouldn't adore, or even enjoy, this "game"--which basically consists of having players run errands (usually in the form of fetching or delivering packages) for their anthropomorphic animal neighbors and otherwise busy themselves.

Sounds boring, right? Well, it isn't--or at least most of it isn't. Yes, the fetching and delivering of packages can be trying, but even that aspect has some appeal thanks to the game's brilliantly witty (and snarky!) dialogue. Where Animal Crossing really shines, though, is in those "other" activities that are made available to players. Among them: catching insects and fish, digging up fossils, decorating your house, designing clothes, planting flowers and even playing classic NES games.

(All of these endeavors are accomplished in real time, by the way, thanks to the fact that the game is synched with the GameCube's internal clock and calendar. In practice, that means that if you decide to boot it up at, say, 8 am on Friday, Jan. 11, it will be the same day and time when you arrive in your Animal Crossing town. Also, the game's environment reflects the time of day and the time of year--so, it gets dark at night, it snows in winter and cherry blossoms appear on trees in the spring.)

None of the above-mentioned tasks are particularly deep or involved, nor do they take much time to complete, but all are implemented in such a way that, when tackled, feel fun rather than tedious.

That's not to say there's nothing about Animal Crossing that's, well, a bit of a chore. For instance, writing letters to your furry neighbors is OK at first--until you come to the realization that they respond negatively to 95 percent of what you write. Likewise, picking weeds in your artificial town--especially after you've spent some time away from the game--is just as thrilling (or not) as it is in real life.

Thankfully, you don't have to send letters to your neighbors, nor do you have to run errands for them or talk to them or otherwise acknowledge their existence. Sure, it may cause a few of them to move out in a huff, but that's about the worst that'll happen to you if you neglect them. You also don't have to pluck weeds or plant flowers or catch fish if you're not so inclined. In other words, it's quite literally up to you to create your own experience while playing this adorably and lovingly crafted "life sim."

Does that mean everyone can or will enjoy Animal Crossing? Of course not. Some are likely to find the lack of action and direction and goals to be completely bewildering, if not downright off-putting. Others are sure to dislike the game's aesthetics, which are bright and cute but also more than a bit rough at times. (It doesn't help that this is basically a Nintendo 64 title ported to the GameCube.) Even the soundtrack, masterfully directed (in my opinion, of course) by Kazumi Totaka, is sure to earn its share of detractors thanks to its rather subdued, subtle nature.

Oh, and then there's the fact that playing this game is a fairly solitary experience--as in, you won't be wirelessly visiting the towns of family and friends as you could if you played follow-ups Wild World (for DS), City Folk (for Wii) or New Leaf (for 3DS) instead. Personally, I'm OK with that, as for me Animal Crossing is about me interacting with my cat, dog, fox and horse buds rather than any human ones.

Should you not consider any of the above-mentioned quibbles to be deal-breakers, though, and should you be longing to escape real life and experience a second one on the proverbial small screen, you'll probably find this iteration of Animal Crossing to be a suitably entrancing diversion.

See also: Previous 'Great Gaymathon' reviews

The Great Gaymathon Review #62: Banana (Famicom)

Game: Banana

Genre: Puzzle

Developer: Victor Interactive Software

Publisher: Victor Interactive Software

System: Famicom

Release date: 1986

I have kind of a funny history (well, it's funny to me anyway) with Banana. For the longest time, I thought it and Takara's rather lackluster-looking platformer, Banana Prince, were one and the same. Then I came across (on Famicomblog) a photo of this game's packaging that made it clear the two titles were unique entities.

As for what prompted me to give this oddly named Famicom game a go: Well, the aforementioned packaging, which features an adorable mole wearing white gloves and what appears to be a pair of blue jeans, certainly got the proverbial ball rolling, but what kept it moving along was this YouTube video.

Admittedly, said video makes Banana look more than a little rough, but that's rarely deterred me in the past. Also, I'm one of those weirdos who actually likes the aesthetics of severely retro games.

Anyway, it wasn't just the colorfully chunky graphics that attracted me to Victor Interactive Software's maiden Famicom release. I also liked the looks of its gameplay, which at first called to mind such classics as Adventures of Lolo, Dig Dug, Magical Puzzle Popils and Wrecking Crew.

In the end, those comparisons aren't completely apt. A better one, I quickly came to learn, would be to compare it to First Star Software's Boulder Dash. That 1984 release is a cakewalk compared to Banana, though, thanks to the latter's devilish, "you'd better make the right moves in the right order--or else!" mentality.

Speaking of which, you'd probably like an explanation of how this pixelated puzzler plays, wouldn't you? The gist: You control the strangely dressed mole I mentioned earlier. He's plopped into each stage for some reason or other (sorry, I don't know the game's backstory--assuming there is one) and is tasked with gathering all of the fruit that's been deposited throughout each level (again, for some reason or another), retrieving the blue-haired lady mole who seems to be his girlfriend or wife and then somehow making it to the exit door.

That's harder than it sounds, of course, thanks in large part to the game's sense of gravity--which means that whenever you dig or fall or otherwise move in a downward direction, the only way you can move up again is to find a ladder and climb it. And if you can't? Hit the reset button and start over, because you basically got yourself stuck.

Oh, and most stages include boulders that, should you walk beneath them (and you will), fall into your path and make life even more challenging for you and your mole-y friends.

The good news among all of this doom and gloom: Banana is a lot of fun despite its sometimes brain-melting difficulty. Partially responsible for that are the game's cheerful (if basic) visuals, although the appealingly blippy background music, which calls to mind both Donkey Kong and Mario Bros., deserves a quite a bit of credit, too.

See also: Previous 'Great Gaymathon' posts

The Great Gaymathon Review #61: Rhythm Thief & The Emperor's Treasure (3DS)

Game: Rhythm Thief & The Emperor's Treasure

Genre: Music/Rhythm

Developer: Sega/Xeen

Publisher: Sega

System: 3DS

Release date: 2012

A few of the words I'd use to describe Sega's Rhythm Thief & The Emperor's Treasure: Ambitious, disappointing, dramatic (sometimes overly so), ridiculous and sweet. Oh, and tedious. Yes, tedious. As much as I hate to admit it, and as much as I enjoyed the Rhythm Thief demo, I found playing through the "real deal," so to speak, to be a chore.

That's not to say this Xeen-developed 3DS title failed to bring a smile to my face. On the contrary, I found certain aspects of it to be both charming and fun. The art style, for instance, is appealingly colorful and pleasant (although it appears a bit "cheap" at times). Rhythm Thief's funky, jazzy soundtrack--which harkens back to that of another Sega property, Space Channel 5--could be described in similarly positive terms. Also, it features the most unique array of control schemes I think I've ever encountered in a portable game.

So, why did I suggest in the first paragraph of this review that Rhythm Thief was disappointing and a "chore"? For starters, although the game is admirably ambitious, its many "pieces" never quite came together for me. You know how various folks have described this release as being "Professor Layton meets Space Channel 5"? Well, that's exactly what it is, at its core. Unfortunately, the mash-up just doesn't come together as well as I'd hoped it would.

Chiefly responsible for this, in my mind, is its story--or, rather, its ratio of story to rhythm games. If I were to guess what said ratio was, I'd say it's about 75-25 in favor of the game's story, and in the end it was just too much for me. I have to say, though, that I think I would have found Rhythm Thief to be a bit trying even if the ratio were closer to 50-50, as the story here--which is set in Paris and involves, among other things, a young guy who's leading a double life as an art thief and an older one who claims to be Napoleon--isn't all that engaging. Or at least it wasn't to me.

Another aspect that failed to engage me: The game's Layton-esque exploration element, or lack thereof. You're rarely at a loss for where to go or what to do next while playing Rhythm Thief, as the next plot point's quite literally pointed out to you (often by a big magenta exclamation point, no less). This game steals ideas from the aforementioned Level-5 series in other ways, too, although I think it would've been better off if its developers had refrained from doing so. In particular, the random tapping of background images--required to find medals (which allow players to buy items than can make difficult mini-games a bit easier), pieces of music and hidden scores--injects an additional layer of annoyance into a title that was annoying enough already.

Finally, it has to be said that although most of Rhythm Thief's mini-games are amusing, "have their heart in the right place" and all that jazz, a good number of them are downright broken due to awkward controls. (In fact, one particular mini-game nearly prompted me to give up on my playthrough altogether.) And even when they don't feel broken, they're often unforgiving to an unbelievable degree. All of which is too bad, as Rhythm Thief's best mini-games easily call to mind those found in such classics as Samba de Amigo and Space Channel 5.

Are those brief, shining moments--along with the others mentioned earlier--enough for me to recommend this quirky mutt of a release to anyone but the most diehard of Sega fans? (Do such people even exist anymore?) To be frank, no, they aren't. I guess if you can find a copy that's cheap enough, it may be worth picking up if you're really into rhythm and/or Professor Layton-ish games, but even then I have a feeling it's more than likely to disappoint.

See also: Previous 'Great Gaymathon' posts