The Great Gaymathon Review #29: Warpman (Famicom)

Game: Warpman

Genre: Action/Arcade

Developer: Namcot

Publisher: Namcot

System: Famicom

Release date: 1985

If I told you a game was "part Bomberman, part Robotron," would you be interested in it? Well, those of you who answered "yes" should check out Warpman as soon as possible. Granted, this Famicom-only sequel to Warp & Warp, a not-so-classic quarter-muncher from 1981, isn't nearly as good as either of those aforementioned games, but it's far from a stinker. In fact, it's pretty darn fun.

The premise, for those of you who care about such things: you control a spacesuit-sporting dude who has to warp between two worlds, Maze World and Space World, in order to combat hordes of strange--and kind of cute--alien creatures. While in Space World, the game plays like a less-frantic Robotron, with the titular Warpman taking out his rather tongue-y foes with some sort of ray gun. Warp over to Maze World, however, and it plays more like a poor man's Bomberman, with the game's extra-terrestrial adversaries being dispatched with time-delay bombs.

As for why Warpman is trying to exterminate these eight-bit baddies: sadly, I haven't a clue. Of course, such story-free games were the rule rather than the exception back in 1985, weren't they?

Anyway, although there's definitely something a bit archaic about Warpman--its sprites are well drawn but its backgrounds are barren, while its soundtrack, if it can even be called that, is a cacophony of ear-splitting blips and bloops--it's worth picking up if you're partial to Namcot's particular, and often peculiar (see: Dig Dug, Mappy and Pac-Man), brand of old-school arcade titles.

See also: Previous 'Great Gaymathon' posts

A somewhat gay review of Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars

My first thought upon playing auntie pixelante's latest creation--a twitchy, throwback of a game called Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars--was that it could confidently and comfortably sit alongside such classic quartermunchers as Robotron and Sinistar.

Of course, pixelante was inspired by Midway's Wizard of Wor while creating Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars--she even goes so far as to call the latter a "reinvention" of the former in a recent blog post--so it's likely she expected or at least hoped for such a reaction.

Regardless, her creation is a more-than-reasonable reproduction of those stress-filled games so many of us relished as kids. Calling Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars a simple facsimile of its predecessors, though, does both it and pixelante a disservice.

Sure, Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars looks and sounds a lot like the aforementioned games that inspired it--what with its sparse backdrops and pixelated baddies (who the titular protagonist taunts with appropriately lo-fi barbs like "I'm not finished yet!" and "Kneel before your queen!")--but it blazes a few trails, too.

Case in point: Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars, like many of today's Flash-based games, is a one-handed affair. The titular Spider-Queen's "bondage ray" is always on, so all gamers have to do is aim said ray at one of her highness' escaped slaves in order to wrap them up and rope them in.

If you think that might sap the game of the tension that's typical of the genre, think again. Even without a shoot button there's plenty to stress out about while playing Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars--especially when the attackable-only-from-certain-angles Armors, fiery Alchemists and slippery Assassins (all of whom are topless, by the way) start to fill the screen.

Thankfully, the tension never ratchets up so high that the game becomes unenjoyable or unplayable. Oh, you'll die--a lot, especially on the later boards--but if you're anything like me you'll have a blast right up until your last breath.  

Play: Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars