The Muscle March fanfic you've all been waiting for (don't deny it)

I don't know about you, but when I first played Namco Bandai's wacky WiiWare game, Muscle March, I thought to myself, "You know, this could inspire some really great fanfic!"

OK, so that's not what I was thinking while I played the game for the first time. Still, I'd be lying if I said that I was anything other than intrigued when one of my most favorite deviantartists, madamluna, shared (via Twitter) a link to a piece of Muscle March fanfic she'd penned a while back.



The piece is called "Love and Muscles," by the way, and it's quite a hoot. (Does anyone under the age of 80 use that term? No? Oh, well.) Don't take my word for it--read the following paragraphs and find out for yourself:

Call him typical, but Pedroso lived for the hunt. The hunt of the heart, that is--the passionate dance of flirtation and courtship that set his Spanish blood a-boiling. The stolen glances, the gentle kisses, the tiny, expensive presents given to coax out the glow in a lady's eyes! Oh, just the thought of it was enough to have him dancing on air for days! Pedroso knew his stuff, all right, and many a señorita had fallen gracefully into his arms.

Which is why it nearly broke the poor man's heart when Abebe, gorgeous, chiseled, newest-member-of-the-team Abebe, spurned Pedroso's every advance. He used the man's rose petals to line his pet chick's 'fro-nest, pulled away in boredom at his veiled romantic poetry, and didn't look at all impressed when the keepsake silver bracelet snapped in half as he flexed his wrist. Pedroso could only watch in horror as every one of his attempts turned into a disaster right before his eyes, and at the end of it all he dragged himself back to his villa, in the deepest despair he'd ever known.

If you were at all tickled by what you just read, I'd highly recommend reading the rest of the piece at archiveofourown.org.

See also: Previous Muscle March posts

OK, I officially hate the folks at Namco Bandai

Why? They sent the following Muscle March-ified Wii to destructoid.com and not to me, that's why.

Destructoid is planning to give this wondrous Wii to someone willing to pose like one of the Muscle March characters in a public setting, so I guess it's possible it'll end up where it belongs (with me)--but I'm not going to bet on it.

Anyway, go here to learn more about the contest. Oh, and if any of you should enter the contest, send me a copy of the photo you submitted so I can post it here.

See also: 'The folks at Namco Bandai really know how to hurt a guy's feelings'

The folks at Namco Bandai really know how to hurt a guy's feelings

So, I was randomly surfing the Interwebs a short while ago when I came across this image:

The bright blue Muscle March-branded Speedo (right) was delivered to the MTV Multiplayer offices packed inside the similarly branded jug of protein powder (left), by the way.

Maybe if I give the Namco Bandai's PR folks a ring and promise to model said Speedo on this site they'll send me one, too? :)

(Via multiplayerblog.mtv.com)

So, is Muscle March worth $5?

The folks over at TheHanafudaTimes.com sure seem to think so:

"Despite being absolutely ridiculous, this game is actually one of WiiWare’s more entertaining titles: Not something I can say for most games priced at 500 points," writes reviewer prettymanfairy. "If you’re into the WTF genre, don’t let this game get away."

Having spent some quality time with Muscle March, I have to agree--both that the game is entertaining (and ridiculous) and that it fits squarely into the "WTF genre," as prettymanfairy so creatively calls it.

Does that mean it's worth 500 Nintendo points ($5)? I think so--if you're a fan of other WTF-esque games like Katamari Damacy and WarioWare: Smooth Moves.

One more thing to think about before you hit the "buy" button: Muscle March is fun, but the fun is over fast. I'm OK with that, as I have the attention span of a goldfish, but if you're a more dedicated gamer you may feel a bit ripped off.

See also: "Monday, Jan. 18 = the gayest day ever for American Wii owners" and "The best (and probably gayest) ESRB ratings summary ever"

Monday, Jan. 18 = the gayest day ever for American Wii owners

You know why? That's when Muscle March will be added to WiiWare! (I didn't pull the date out of my butt, by the way--I found it right here.)

Oh, and it gets better: The powers that be at Namco Bandai Games America Inc. (that's quite a mouthful, isn't it?) have decided to sell the game for a measly 500 Nintendo Points (or $5, if you prefer to deal with actual currencies).

In case you've been living in a cave (hey, it happens) and, as such, you've never experienced the macho magnificence that is Muscle March, here's an "infomercial" that shows you everything you need to know about the title (and then some):

I know what you're thinking: I don't want to wait. I want it now!! Well, wait you must. In the meantime, you could busy yourself by checking out the official(ly hilarious) Muscle March site. Or you could head over to Twitter and read through King Pedroso's amazingly insightful tweets.

Whatever you do, be sure to do it while wearing your favorite pair of Speedos :)

The best (and probably gayest) ESRB ratings summary ever

The Entertainment Software Ratings Board recently posted on its website a ratings summary for Namco Bandai's upcoming WiiWare release, Muscle March. To say it's hilarious is an understatement of monumental proportions.

"Bodybuilders dressed in super-tight Speedos chase down a "protein thief" through cities, villages, and space in this whimsical puzzle-action game. Pedestrians, straphangers, school teachers, farmers, police officers, and librarians are fully clothed as they go about their business; the bodybuilders—not so much.

"Players must perform correct poses to fit through dozens of holes-in-walls created by the fleeing thief. If players do not pose correctly while running, their muscle men (and one woman) will crash through the walls and lose their stamina. Losing stamina means collapsing to the ground face-first, buttocks-last (flexed gluteus facing the screen). 

"It may also mean that between stages, the happy bodybuilders can dance together in space, throw rocks by the riverside, or flex their pectorales major on menu screens (the lone female bodybuilder flexes her chest muscles, too).

"But the running gag in the game is the odd juxtaposition of traipsing bodybuilders, scantily clad, with the fully clothed working city dwellers—librarians' eyes agape at seeing their reference sections destroyed by the Posing Ones."

I find the bolded portions particularly funny, by the way.

Oh, and if anyone knows who wrote the rating summary for this game, please let me know--I want that person's job :)

Of beefcake and bubble butts

IGN.com just posted a brief gameplay video of what is sure to be next year's gayest (if not greatest) WiiWare release, Muscle March:



Don't you just love how the bodybuilders' beefy little butts swing to and fro?

Namco Bandai *finally* announces an American release for Muscle March

My prayers have been answered!

The folks over at joystiq.com just posted an "announcement trailer" that touts the American release of Namco Bandai's bizarrely homoerotic WiiWare title, Muscle March.



The trailer doesn't mention when the game will be hitting our shores, but G4TV's Stephen Johnson mentions in an article about the much-anticipated announcement that it will arrive sometime "this winter." (He also mentions 2010, so I'm guessing it will be released within the first few months of next year.)

I've already saved up my 800-1000 Nintendo points (I can't imagine it'll cost any more than that). How about you?

My prayers have been answered: Muscle March is coming to the West!

I've bought my fair share of WiiWare games in the last few years, but I doubt I've enjoyed any of them as much as I'll enjoy Namco-Bandai's Muscle March.

I mean, how could I *not* enjoy chasing protein-powder-stealing baddies while sporting a thong and striking poses that would make Arnold Schwarzenegger proud?

Anyway, according to the folks over at GamerBytes.com, the steroid-stuffed title will soon be released in Germany (and, presumably, the rest of Europe), which means it'll likely will show up in the States sooner or later as well.

In the meantime, take a gander at the game's oh-so-Japanese trailer:

More Muscle March (WiiWare) footage

Namco-Bandai's Muscle March has hit WiiWare, and at least one Japanese gamer has given it a go, as evidenced by this video:



An in-the-know gamer over on the NeoGAF forums says the title recalls the PS2 classic Katamari Damacy (also created by Namco) thanks to its hilarious premise, addictive gameplay and twee music.

Here's to hoping the game is released in the U.S. at some point, though I'm not holding my breath until that happens...

Muscle March: The game that will get me to buy a Japanese Wii

Captain Rainbow. Fatal Frame IV. Fragile. Tatsunoko vs. Capcom. I've been tempted to buy a Japanese Wii system to play each of these titles - none of which have been or likely will be localized for the North American market - but so far I've fought the urge and held on to my hard-earned cash.

A soon-to-be-released WiiWare game may force me, finally, to cave in, though. The name of that game: Muscle March, by Namco-Bandai. I could craft a few paragraphs explaining why this game has me all atwitter, but I think the following teaser/trailer will suffice:



Other than that, all you need to know is that the game will be released (in Japan only, of course) on May 26th and will cost 800 Nintendo points. That sounds more than fair to me, though I guess in my case the cost will be whatever a Japanese Wii goes for these days ($329 at Play-Asia.com - yikes!) *plus* 800 Nintendo points. Oh, well, you can't put a price on happiness, right? :)