Haggar the Horrible

During my recent three-week stint in Madison, Wisconsin, I discovered the magazine below--Vol. 28 of Nintendo Power--while digging through a pile of old gaming publications sitting in the corner of my childhood bedroom.

That in and of itself isn't all that noteworthy, I admit--unless you're a huge fan of Super Mario World, of course--so why am I mentioning it here? I'm mentioning it here because of what I found on page 78 of said magazine.

If you click on the scan below and then zoom in on the guy standing in the left-hand corner of the page, you'll see what I consider to be one of the most hideous illustrations of Final Fight's Mike Haggar ever created.

Nintendo Power's take on the same game's Cody--apparently he's a mononymous person like Cher and Madonna--isn't much better, sadly:

I tried to wipe these despicable drawings from my mind by finding some filthy fan art featuring this dynamic duo, but all of my searches came up short. Thankfully, this GameSetWatch article--about a pair of rather roid-y Cody and Haggar figures--popped up just in time.

See also: 'Hubba hubba, part deux'

Hubba hubba, part deux

Just about four years ago, I wrote--for the now-defunct GayWired.com--an article about "video gaming's hottest hunks." Because a number of additional pixelated and polygonal studs have arrived on the scene since then, I decided to pen a follow-up piece about a few of them.

Mike Haggar (Marvel vs. Capcom 3)--Is this how an in-his-prime Tom Selleck would have looked if he'd pumped iron with a similarly in-his-prime Arnold Schwarzenegger? Possibly. Even then, I doubt he would have shaved his chest or rocked a leather suspender like Mike Haggar. (Selleck certainly would have had a pair of nipples, though; something that's strangely absent in the image above.)

Little Mac (Punch-Out!! Wii)--It's doubtful that many gamers ogled the Little Mac depicted in the original Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! for the NES. His counterpart in the Wii sequel, though? Totally ogle-worthy. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised to discover there's a Yahoo! Group that's devoted to this darkly handsome character--although I would be a bit creeped out by it.

Altaïr Ibn la-Ahad, Ezio Auditore da Firenze and/or Desmond Miles (Assassin's Creed series)--That nose. Those lips. That ... chin. OK, so you have to use your imagination a bit when it comes to fantasizing about the multi-generational cast of the Assassin's Creed series. Still, it's clear that all three of these guys were blessed with great genes. If only they had chosen different career paths...

Jacob Taylor (Mass Effect 2)--It's a crying shame that the folks at BioWare didn't make it possible for gamers controlling a male Commander Shepard to put the moves on this, er, "amazingly gifted" Alliance soldier. (At the very least, they could have provided players with more scenes of Taylor sans shirt.) Here's to hoping they rectify matters in the upcoming Mass Effect 3.

Snow Villiers (Final Fantasy XIII)--Is Snow a bit of a douche? Undoubtedly. Does he have a questionable sense of fashion? Surely. Would any of that matter if he offered to buy you a drink in a dark (and possibly dingy) bar? Not on your life--especially considering the powerful pair of pecs he seems to be packing under that tailor-made trench coat.

Honorable mentions: Abel (Street Fighter IV), Ryotaro Dojima (Persona 4), Nathan Drake (Uncharted series), Chris Redfield (Resident Evil series) and Travis Touchdown (No More Heroes series).

See also: 'Hubba hubba' and 'Heartthrobs'